im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
whose parrot is this?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
