my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You are a genius and a whore.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
