he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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