I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
