I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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