my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
