hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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