I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize