Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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