Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
