he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
