unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I see more hoeing in ur future
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