The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
