I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
