Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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