Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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