I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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