i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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