Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
