I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
