then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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