I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Even my vagina gasped.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
