some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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