Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You're a waste of cheezeits
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize