I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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