last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
