lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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