On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
