I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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