If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
