Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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