wrigley field is MILF paradise
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
