It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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