You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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