I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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