woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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