Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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