She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
