I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
