So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
