I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
