I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
