I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
