he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize