found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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