my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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