someone get that fucking seahorse.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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