oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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