Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
