so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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