Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
