i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
