Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize