Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
