Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
