Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
