I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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