I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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