After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Randomize