She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
